Slides or Swings


snow dinos

I have the flu. I walked out with Tom and Lucy and Fletcher this morning for the first time in three days. Dropped off Lucy at school. Walked to Will’s tree. Feeling too sick, I left Tom and Fletch to their walk and went home… but on the way- not restricted by a furry friend- I did something crazy… really really strange actually: I walked through the playground.

Covered in melting snow, no children. No little boys. And that was it- all that I needed. That perfectly obvious reflection of my emptiness had me crying like I was in the hospital.

Time Schmime. Healer, my ass. Time is just the vehicle for the alternate route your life took.

How could it be 7 years? How could I miss him, my little boy who I barely met outside my womb, so deeply? Once a mother,….

So my goal this year is not to relive the trauma that was the hospital stay. This year I work to transform Will’s memory and purpose and being into LOVE. It will be work and I don’t know how yet but it is time. And it will be awesome.

One thought on “Slides or Swings”

  1. As usual I fell asleep while putting Lily (taz’s big sister) and Lucia (his little sister) to bed and within an hour I was shocked awake which happens almost nightly. I lay in bed and thought to myself enough about you how about him, how about baby taz. Similiar to you I had the flu and was in bed for 3 days and though it has been over a month now I am still shaken from being so sick. I feel it is time to focus on that sweet little baby and let go of the horror-stop reliving the horror-
    Thank you for your writing. Your piece at Glow is unbelievable.

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