My Calendar

imagesThese are my dates that never change…. many of which few but me know anymore or remember. They remain my touch stones …. at times for rest and focus, a couple holding all joy and others? I slam into them just when I was catching the flow of the water.

about January 31st I got pregnant with Tiger (My mother-in-law’s b’day)

February 12th Will’s b’day

February 13th Anniversary of Will’s death

May 22nd  Will’s memorial and tree dedication

May 23rd  My uterus gets separated from my small intestine in surgery while I’m pregnant with Tiger

June 1st Will’s due date (My best friend’s b’day)

June 13th Anniversary of Tiger’s death

June 15th My Love and My Wedding Anniversary

July 22nd Lucy’s birthday! (best day ever)

August 26th Anniversary of Tom’s mom’s passing

August 28th Tiger’s scheduled due date

October 28th  Tom and my first Kiss. About when I got pregnant with Lucy.

November 2nd Tom’s birthday


Clearly they didn’t all happen in one year. But now they are all held in 12 month cases. Year after year.

It’s all very LOUD right now. Janine my dear friend hung in a helicopter stretcher meditating over an audience watching Stephen Pentronio’s dancers in Like Lazarus Did at the Joyce. Still for 2 hours every night for a week, holding a light in one hand. She was in the space between, to me. And I was back in my paralyzed body aware of all that was around me but unable to speak or open my eyes and cry out, “My sweet boy is gone, was cut out of me but I am left here and I am somehow alive! Am I? “.

Janine’s hand holding a industrial construction light that’s hanging from an orange cord is pictures on the front of the holy card. The back reads:

Should I look  among the living/ Should I look among the dead/  if I’m searching for you?


I know the answer. I can’t say it in writing