I wonder about him

Will’s birthday is coming up. His 5th. The anniversary of his death too- his 5th. I can’t wrap my brain around time.

When I feel better about the boys- like my grief has been worked through and I’m generally happy- I have this small feeling of missing the mourning. Weird. But there is guilt attached to feeling better oddly…. and grieving is somehow closer to Will and Tiger. You miss it a little. Miss the deeper missing.

And then, although everytime you think you won’t go back to that intense place of sadness, it hits you and…. We’re Back! And you do feel closer, access to all of the complicated feelings is at your fingertips, you swim in the missing, in the longing, in the confusion. This is what I missed? Wow… death is always darker on the other side.

5 years is no time at all this week. He should be here. Lucy should have her brother. I should be planning a b’day party for my boy. I wonder about him.

I wonder about him every moment, every day.