It wasn’t so bad really- no one remembers, or should I say, no one takes the chance to say anything anymore. A year and a half? They would be embarrassed or find their inquiry inappropriate so after the fact. But did he cross their minds when they saw me? Did they feel anything? This was mostly my sister’s extended family so many of them haven’t seen me but once if that since Tiger died. It’s not likely that they thought of him so much as the ‘sad situation’ maybe.
My sister doesn’t bring him up even. That’s her way. She lost her second child at birth 17 years ago. She didn’t talk to me about him after the funeral until years later- when I had my first loss. Until I was in the hospital with Will in the Nicu… then she was amazing. But now, well-how?They move on.
That’s ok. They are MY boys after all. Their memories are mine to hold. Their place in my family are mine to miss. They are the me that is so changed by their birth and death and spirits. By talking to me, they are forced to see my boys. They don’t have to know it. I do.
….. I just can’t help but wish they were ignoring them as little boys running and crawling under the Thanksgiving table instead of avoiding their memory. I’ll always wish these silly wishes.
All of this- it evolves and changes… but the core of it- the place that they created inside you- it stays. Everything else around it becomes more manageable, maybe more of a secret, forgiveness is found, friendships changed, even laughter rediscovered…. but that gorgeous depth of pure love unrealized by our 5 senses anymore … that we reach for in our souls because we can’t with our bodies…. it doesn’t die or fade or lessen. For me, 4+ years later, 1 1/2 years later…. not a bit ‘less’.