Where do we go from here my love? Where will we be tomorrow?

I don’t want to grieve forever. I don’t want to wish forever. I’m trying to parse the difference between honoring and grieving. It’s work- lovingly remembering and creatively honoring a dream. More often than not I need that work and dive in: I find it healing. It takes me back to that powerful world after Tiger died but before he was gone. All walls had crumbled and the sky went on forever. I was drenched in sorrow and fully alive. Maternal energy hung around me like the saints’ glow on a Catholic holy card and escaped out- having lost its intended (earthly) destination. I wanted to be anywhere but there, yet embraced my surroundings, my new eyes, my body that didn’t die. I think this is where the magical thinking lives for baby-loss mothers.

We want another child and my body can’t do it. I really want someone to carry our baby. And then, since that seems impossible, we want to adopt…. because I believe that another child is meant to be in our family. Still, I believe that. But some days I just don’t have the reserves.. to be my age, to be so dependent on a stranger and their sadness of giving up a child, to be so far from the joy of carrying your own. I am struck numb at the process of being interviewed and judged to love a baby. Who could love a baby more than Tom and I? ok then, prove it.

365 days in the spirit of Tiger

*This is the year of the tiger in the Chinese Zodiac

*Tigers are really good swimmers.

*Tiger cubs start to hunt with their mothers at 6 months. They can’t feed themselves though so they remain with their moms until 16 months.

* The number of tigers in the wild has dwindled to 3,200 – less than the number held in captivity in the United States alone.

* Tiger cubs are born blind.The night vision of adult tigers is six times better than that of humans.

* The Hindi goddess Durga rides into battle on a tiger (A tiger symbolizes unlimited power) indicating then that She possesses unlimited power and uses it to protect virtue and destroy evil.

Tiger Brennan     June 13th, 2009

When I’m thinking of my son and making a ritual to honor him, instead of pictures (there are none) or early memories (outside of the medical trauma) I meditate on facts and myths about his namesake.

Two white and orange flower garlands. Two strands of Tibetan prayer flags. 40 white cranes. Orange roses. Navaho prayer ties made for Tiger when he was inside me. A picture of a sleeping baby tiger. Handmade orange and black flowers made by Janine and Nesto to put at the tree. A dragonfly painting made by Tiger’s sister Lucy. Incense. All white cloths. Special word rocks. Lucy’s tiger dance. Thoughts on what Tiger’s death has brought into our lives. Then rain.

Tom said once of Will that he didn’t so much miss him, he just wished he was here. I agreed at the time. Now I wish they were both here…. AND I miss them. Sigh. It’s a really odd space to be in where you understand the frivolousness of longing… and yet you long so deeply it is physical.

I danced on Friday night. I danced and danced and celebrated being alive. I was on the edge of tears but couldn’t dive into sorrow…. I couldn’t dive into the missing. I have missed so much over this year. I think about my sweet Tiger and what it would be like if…. He had just learned to walk and was saying those early words and… I stop myself, remind myself, come back to where I am standing and the scar on my belly and concentrate on what Tiger is… instead of what he is not. When I came to dance, where I chose to just ‘be’ in all that is real in my life one year later, my anam caras (soul friends) had made the altar and here is what it looked like:

Godspeed litte man. Sweet dreams.